Crazy In Love or Just Delusional?

Crazy In Love or Just Delusional?

I didn't realize the extent of my delusion and attachment to a made up version of someone rather than who they truly were. And guess what? There's a term for it: Limerence.

Found this word yesterday and it's not your ordinary crush. Limerence is when you obsessively prioritize the fantasy relationship you've created in your mind over the actual relationship you have with someone in reality. And let me tell you, I am triggered.

It reminded me of when I had a brief fling with an ex, and let's just say it didn't end in fireworks or a renewed relationship. But for some f*cking reason, I found myself yearning for a connection with this person, even though it made absolutely no sense.

The truth was, I wanted this person to be obsessed with me, to fulfill some deep-seated desire for validation. But when we actually tried to reignite our romance, it turned into a disaster. Surprise, surprise! The reality didn't match the fantasy I had made in my head. Yet, despite the disaster of our past and the present, I couldn't let go of the idea of us.

The problem was that this idealized version of the person didn't align with reality. They weren't offering to take care of me, and there was no genuine reciprocity in our relationship. I gave more than they gave to me and somehow I was obsessed with them and the IDEA of them.

Another time, I was making a false narrative in my head was when I dated someone who I felt I could look up to and somewhat even felt inferior to them.

Honestly, I did enjoy the feeling of inferiority when I placed them on this pedestal . It allowed me to relax for a moment, to let someone else take the lead. It was a mental safety net, a way for me to escape the overwhelming responsibility I felt in my own life.

It made me feel safe, like I had someone wiser and more capable in my corner. I reveled in the feeling of not having to protect them for once, as I often did with others due to my compulsive caretaking tendencies.

People who are insecurely attached specifically those who are on the anxious spectrum or fearful avoidant types (Like myself, a recovering Anxious Avoidant): it's possible that most of my romantic and sexual feelings I've had my entire life have been limerence and that I may never have had a true genuine connection with someone. Sure, I may have had that true genuine connection in some moments but the rest of the time there was this constant push and pull between how I wanted someone to be and how they actually were. SCARY.

Ultimately, that limerence was a shield, protecting me from the truth that no one really has their shit together. We're all stumbling through life, the blind leading the blind. And it was time I faced the fact that I had to take extreme responsibility for my own growth and development. This person wasn't going to magically show me the way, no matter how desperately I looked up to them.

But let's pause for a moment and reflect on this truth. Be gentle with yourself! Don't beat yourself up or label yourself as wrong, stupid, or flawed if you struggle to let go of these stories we make up in our heads. As intimidating as they may be, real connections make us feel more alive than our fantasies ever could.

Now, I'm not gonna lie, letting go of limerence and embracing true connections is not easy. It takes introspection and a willingness to face your delusional bullshit.

I had to end my obsession with an ex and let go of MY delusional bullshit. Ouch.

I had to ask myself, “How do I recognize a REAL connection?”

First: I had to start with taking responsibility for meeting my own needs and recognize when I projected unrealistic expectations onto others, expecting them to fulfill my every need. It's not fucking easy but essential if I want genuine connections.

Secondly, I had to understand people won't always act as I desire, feel the way I want them to feel, or show up exactly as I had imagined.

Thirdly, I had to grasp its purpose. What need does this fantasy fulfill or protect me from? It's important for me to understand this and find alternative ways to meet that need or shift my perspective on it.

So remember, limerence can go from harmless daydreaming to a full-blown obsession that messes with your head and heart. We start comparing the actual person to the perfect version we've created in our minds. *Spoiler alert: It's not fair to them, and it's definitely not real love.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not here to preach morality (or am I?). But let's be real for a second. When we prioritize our fantasy over the real story happening, we're not being kind to ourselves or the other person. We're denying them the chance to be seen and appreciated for who they truly are.

Take a good hard look at your own experiences and recognize when you're trapped in the fantasy and take action to live OUTSIDE of it. Solve your own damn problems and embrace reality sis!

Please share your thoughts, experiences, and fears in the comments, because this journey is not meant to be traveled alone. As always, I'm here to guide you through human connections through my own personal experiences.

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